Time

“So what was your time?” is probably the number one question other runners ask. It is also the question I am least interested in. I won't deny there is a natural curiosity but it pricks the ears of my ego and makes me feel like I am running backwards rather than jogging forwards.

Yet time can be a useful, important and powerful indicator. It is also very effective at putting life in perspective. Anyone who really knows me, knows I want it all. Preferably yesterday before I even knew I wanted it. Meditation and living mindfully makes me just about bearable to live with. When I first started meditating I was on my second retreat where they taught two meditation techniques; mindfulness of breathing and the metta bhvana (loving-kindness). Our meditation teacher, Saty, only came down from his meditation hut on the mountain twice a year to teach. An eager participant asked him how long Saty had spent on these two types of meditation before he felt he could “move on.” Saty took a few minutes of silence to really consider this answer and then solemnly answered, “3 years.” Right there, at that moment, went my plans of conquering meditation on a one week retreat. And here I am 5 years later still practising, but now with the knowledge that it took one man 3 solid years sitting on a mountain.

Time frames give a path, like stepping stones, guiding me in the right direction. But some moments in life time itself struggles to time; like how long it takes to fall in love, discover enlightenment or find the car keys when your 19 month old has set the car alarm off? My guess is that the most important journeys in life time can not define.

This is why I take issue with these “Run 5km in 5 week” programs. To me, it is like the fast food version of running. Which I guess makes whatever it is I am doing the slow food option. Running with spirit certainly isn't the fastest way to become a runner. It took me 9 months to run 5kms. And some days I do not even run that, but it is still a better achievement than me just thinking about doing it. Or doing it for 5 weeks and then never again.

I've come across some running time frames that do inspire me. I stumbled across this idea of “building your base” in running when I was reading “Running with the Mind of Meditation”. The Osteopath Peter Goodman was quoted saying: “...bones are not stagnant; they are constantly changing and developing. Because they have blood vessels running throughout, through the pressure of running, they become harder and more resilient. Likewise, the tendons become conditioned and tough, and the muscles become stronger.” It continues to say that “building your base” takes two years. For me, this an achievable time frame.

And despite the belief that healthier, fitter able bodies only exist in their twenties the most successful professional long distance runners are in their late thirties and early forties. In a fascinating article "You're Only as Old as You Run" , which I recommend reading in The New York Times, it states: “ People over 40 now comprise 46 percent of (marathon) finishers.” So there is time for me yet. Because I'm defiantly in this for the long run. And time is on my side.

Running with Ego

It's my Ego's fault. Absolutely. I have been doing such intense work on eradicating it that I was convinced my third eye was going to explode under the intense pressure I was generating in-between my eyebrows. My long suffering friend listened patiently to my concerns, before pointing out politely, it was more likely that the pain was from my sinus infection reoccurring. Who knows how long I would have gone spouting this disillusionment? When you delve this deep sometimes you need someone to shovel you out before you go cuckoo. Despite what people say, sometimes you really shouldn't listen to yourself.

Let's backtrack. My last post highlighted some personal issues amongst an awful lot of waffle. What exactly is my fear of racing? On a superficial level I could say it is crowds of people, but then I have been forced into many crowded situations and survived intact able to obtain a goal. Surely, if I am going to come up with an excuse I can manage a better one than that! And although I would be embarrassed about coming last, it is one I could live with it and one of my greatest faults is that I am very uninterested in worrying at what other people think of me. I'm usually too busy concerned with what I am thinking about myself. And this is the crux of the matter; inside of me is an egotistical maniac. It's like discovering you have been secretly possessed with a demon and avoiding any situation where it may rear it's head. A situation like a race.

A race provides the perfect conditions and breeding ground for the ego. The anticipation, drama, sacrifice, judgement, illusion, self doubt and belief. Or perhaps these are the perfect challenges to eradicate the ego. My fear is not based on racing other runners, but rather racing alongside the image I have created of myself in my mind and not winning.

So lately I have been very preoccupied with this image I have created of myself. I want to share something I read because it spoke directly to my ego and made it squirm. Uncomfortably.

“The Lower Self will feed the ego: the Higher Self has no ego. I was asked recently how one can tell what is the Lower Self and what is the Higher Self? This is not a difficult answer to give; the Lower Self creates illusion. It will have you believing the most preposterous things. It will have you believing you are not the guilty one when you are, and it will reason with you to try and get you to see its point of view. It will even argue with your Higher Self, and if you are not at a higher rate of vibration, your Higher Self will not be able to retaliate with truth.

The Lower Self never thinks of anything but itself. All it can see is its own pain, suffering, difficulty, how hard done by it is, how it is being punished and how people are hurting and creating problems for it. It can see all of the faults of others, but never its own faults! The Lower Self sees itself as perfect. It will argue with you to preserve its own truth. It can never see a positive outcome of any situation! The list is endless of what the Lower Self will do to reign supreme.

And what of the Higher Self, what does that do? It does nothing! Absolutely nothing! It does not have to justify itself. It will point out your own faults, but will never point out the faults of others. It sees the suffering one goes through and the difficulties as lessons, which one can learn from. It always has a positive outcome for every situation. It never judges, it sits quietly and lets the world pass by while it deals with issues, which need to be dealt with for its own higher good.”
- www.theego.org

It feels like an overwhelming, astronomic task attempting to exorcising this ego of mine. But for now, I just want to make sure when I am listening to myself, I am listening to the right part of myself.