Back at the beginning.

It has been a long time since my last post. I have been so focused fulfilling my plans of meditating on my lotus pad, learning sanskrit in between juicing and running at any given opportunity that I haven't had time to blog. Ok I am not a convincing liar. I haven't run for over 6 weeks and I am so disappointed and ashamed in myself that I fell so fast for so long. Actually the first 3 weeks I don't regret because a dream opportunity came along for our family that I literally dropped everything to make that dream come true. At the same time my 22 month old demanded to be potty trained and I was so knee deep in pee and poo and laundry that I just plain plumb forgot about all this running stuff.

What my mind forgot my body made sure I remembered; it felt sluggish and soft and very very sorry it had been neglected so badly. Once I came too and noticed how much time had lapsed since my last run I became very fearful. Before I could give reasons why running had to be sacrificed but these reasons morphed into excuses: Too hot. Potty training. Other runners started swarming MY route. Potty training. While I sipped cider. The Canadian summer became a humid, tropical, monsoon soup. It's summer holidays for goodness sake! In between mouthfuls of ice cream. Potty training. My running shoes grew mould in protest. It all became very overwhelming and a bit too hard. I could not be faffed.

Then the Gazelle came back. My little sister who held my hand while I walked ten steps and then ran ten steps last summer, slapped me from my tantrum and in a very adult no nonsense manner simply took me for a run. A run that I had built up in my imagination to be of such horrifying magnitudes that it took the whole 15 minutes to work out that I had run the whole way. Wondering what was all the fuss about? What about the cliché you lose your fitness faster than you gain it? What was I so afraid of? And what a waste of time I spent this summer not running. Haven't I learnt ANYTHNG?

Don't worry my body awoke the morning after the run to remind me of my transgressions. Everything hurt. My ankles, shins, calves, thighs, hamstrings, groin, core muscles, every muscle between my ribs. Even my tongue hurt. How I managed that still has me baffled. Never have I been more sore or sorry in my running. The only remedy for this state is to go for a 5km run which is exactly what I did this morning. Motivation is a muscle that needs to be strengthened.

This is where I find myself, one year on since I started running. Back exactly where I started and it sure looks familiar. Intimidating. Except now I can run and I know that I can do it. Because I have been here before not that long ago.

Time

“So what was your time?” is probably the number one question other runners ask. It is also the question I am least interested in. I won't deny there is a natural curiosity but it pricks the ears of my ego and makes me feel like I am running backwards rather than jogging forwards.

Yet time can be a useful, important and powerful indicator. It is also very effective at putting life in perspective. Anyone who really knows me, knows I want it all. Preferably yesterday before I even knew I wanted it. Meditation and living mindfully makes me just about bearable to live with. When I first started meditating I was on my second retreat where they taught two meditation techniques; mindfulness of breathing and the metta bhvana (loving-kindness). Our meditation teacher, Saty, only came down from his meditation hut on the mountain twice a year to teach. An eager participant asked him how long Saty had spent on these two types of meditation before he felt he could “move on.” Saty took a few minutes of silence to really consider this answer and then solemnly answered, “3 years.” Right there, at that moment, went my plans of conquering meditation on a one week retreat. And here I am 5 years later still practising, but now with the knowledge that it took one man 3 solid years sitting on a mountain.

Time frames give a path, like stepping stones, guiding me in the right direction. But some moments in life time itself struggles to time; like how long it takes to fall in love, discover enlightenment or find the car keys when your 19 month old has set the car alarm off? My guess is that the most important journeys in life time can not define.

This is why I take issue with these “Run 5km in 5 week” programs. To me, it is like the fast food version of running. Which I guess makes whatever it is I am doing the slow food option. Running with spirit certainly isn't the fastest way to become a runner. It took me 9 months to run 5kms. And some days I do not even run that, but it is still a better achievement than me just thinking about doing it. Or doing it for 5 weeks and then never again.

I've come across some running time frames that do inspire me. I stumbled across this idea of “building your base” in running when I was reading “Running with the Mind of Meditation”. The Osteopath Peter Goodman was quoted saying: “...bones are not stagnant; they are constantly changing and developing. Because they have blood vessels running throughout, through the pressure of running, they become harder and more resilient. Likewise, the tendons become conditioned and tough, and the muscles become stronger.” It continues to say that “building your base” takes two years. For me, this an achievable time frame.

And despite the belief that healthier, fitter able bodies only exist in their twenties the most successful professional long distance runners are in their late thirties and early forties. In a fascinating article "You're Only as Old as You Run" , which I recommend reading in The New York Times, it states: “ People over 40 now comprise 46 percent of (marathon) finishers.” So there is time for me yet. Because I'm defiantly in this for the long run. And time is on my side.

Barefoot Running is Good for the Soul

My Vibram Debut.

It's like eating with your fingers or sleeping under the stars, there is a primal resonance that just feels right about barefoot running. After reading “Born to Run” I had a good think if barefoot running was literally a path I wanted to run down and thoroughly did my research wanting to avoid being swept away by any gimmicks or fads. If anyone is contemplating barefoot running I really recommend seeing a professional, whether it is a podiatrist or a really knowledgeable shoe specialist, to determine your personal pronation. I visited one in Australia a couple of months ago which I wrote about in my post Advice worth running for Part II.  I had the good fortune of purchasing a pair for half price in LA and put it down to fate.

If you have ever tried to get a toddlers fingers into a pair of gloves than you will know the level of skill and frustration required to put on a pair of Vibram's. Toes are less dexterous than fingers. The Vibram's emphasis my size ten flipper feet. My first impression is that my feet felt extremely supported. I hadn't expected that. What I had anticipated was my Dad saying, “You're going running – wearing those?” Yes, I nod. To the man wearing a woman's headscarf. It's in the genes.

At the beginning of the run I felt like I was slapping the earth in her face with every step. There is a lot of advice out there saying to change your running technique but this I feel is instinctual wearing Vibrams. Let's face it I already look like a dork so naturally I minimise anything that will draw further attention to me (except the hot pink, which hopefully stops me becoming road kill). Naturally, I could run barefoot without the Vibrams but at this point in my life that would be rather irresponsible. More people than me need my feet, and if I step on glass, get frost bite or bitten than it is my family that suffers.

The next day my muscles, particularly my gluteus maximus, are very sore. I experience first hand why it is extremely important to ease the body into barefoot runs. I have been running consistently for over ten months now, the same route I first trialled the Vibrams on. The only thing that had changed was running barefoot. This time I ran using the muscles, ligaments and tendons I should have been utilising all along. This time I ran properly, the way I nature intended me too.

Retreat

It is that time of year when I have a one week break from my life. I'm just me; not an active duty mother, wife, sister or daughter. But it is not a holiday. I guess the best word would be “retreat.” Over the past five years I have done yoga and meditation retreats usually involving elements of travel. Whatever I feel will replenish me enough to go home and enable me to have the energy, imagination and enthusiasm to live a life I can love for myself and family.

Except this time it is different. This time at the airport I bought a running magazine. The cover says “Run 5km faster” and has an extract from Scott Jurek's new book “Eat and Run” (excitement!). Really, how can I not buy it? It's like the running magazine tailored made it for me; a proud initiation. An articles talks about the challenges runners face when they start tapering. With all the training and momentum generated it can be very difficult to slow down. Rest. This is the only way to ensure that the body is in peak condition before a big race. I cannot help but see the sense in the similarities between this approach to what I am doing now. Taking a break from life to ensure that I can live my life in peak performance.

Part of my break has been staying at the Cancer Lodge in Toronto with my Great Uncle while he receives treatment. The other part was visiting my best friend in the rather glamorous Los Angeles. The contrast is stark, grim and humbling. While I over the past five years have been gallivanting on one week retreats improving the quality of life, my Uncle has spent the past five years travelling every three to six weeks to Toronto so that he can live. He confided in me saying, “I never thought it would be me having this.” When I asked him what he thought would happen his response was, “Nothing”. Which is what we all think. Till it happens to us.

Once my eyes adjust to the institutionalised aesthetic I can't help but see things from a different perspective. Hundreds of patients wait to have their blood work taken. And that is just one hour of one day. Uncle David is only one of 21 patients his Doctor sees daily. I was mentally prepared for the personal connection but the sheer numbers and volume are confronting. Yet I laugh more in the past few days than I had the whole of last year. In my daily life I encounter people who complain more about a lot less. Me included.

I feel an immense responsibility now towards my running, which was previously lacking. It doesn't feel like such a solitary journey anymore and I comprehend the link between running and charity fundraising for events such as Relay for Life. I run for those who wish they could and can't. For those who should and don't. Christopher Reeve said “It saddens me to see people who have the ability to move, wasting that gift.”

I dedicate this post to Leonie Meier, who is holding her son Rudi's hand as she enters the final stages of cancer. Love.

Running on Juice

I am on Day 5 of a juice detox. Not a morsel of food has entered my mouth since Sunday night and I am not even hungry. This is my seventh time doing this program. I have gained and lost the same 25 kg nearly three times in the past five years. This is not a reflection on the effectiveness of the program but rather me getting pregnant. Let me just say, you do not really know a person until they do a juicing detox. All the refined sugar, caffeine, alcohol, food addictions and general gunk that we all use to pep our personalities up, giving us false energy to survive yet another day …. take that away and see what is left. A quivering wreck in panic mode. So when I am going through my 72 hour withdrawal period I tell myself: imagine what state I would be in if I didn't do this juicing detox before every season, but rather it accumulated years upon years. What state would I be in then physically? Mentally? Tis the stuff of nightmares. I then pick my one year old up who weighs exactly as much as I want to lose and then feel the relief when I put her down again. That is how I will feel all the time when I lose the weight. Lighter. Freer. I will be able to run with the deer instead of scaring them away like an elephant.

Actually, I would go as far to say, you probably don't really know yourself until you do a juicing detox. When I started there was no way I thought I could do a juice detox. I quite simply did not have the willpower. So I spent a lot of time looking and making excuses; protein, calories, calcium, elimination “issues”, hyperglycaemic, high blood pressure etc. But I literally just sucked it up and did it. The transformation went way beyond the physical. I may have lost weight but I gained determination. Confidence. Self belief. Will power. I could see clearly those who were supportive and encouraging in my life. Detoxing gets rid of lot more than just excess weight and impurities. It makes you mentally and physically stronger. The exact same recipe for becoming a runner.

So when I finally run a marathon you will not see me chomping on any energy bars but rather finding some kind soul handing me my juice. But for anyone who is already at that level and wants to learn more about juicing and running specifically this is a fantastic free guide by someone who runs marathons and juices http://www.juicemaster.com/running-on-juice

PS – Big juicy Hello to all my fellow juicing detox people doing the program via Facebook. First time I have done it with 10,000 other and must say it is really beneficial knowing we are in this together.

Running with Ego

It's my Ego's fault. Absolutely. I have been doing such intense work on eradicating it that I was convinced my third eye was going to explode under the intense pressure I was generating in-between my eyebrows. My long suffering friend listened patiently to my concerns, before pointing out politely, it was more likely that the pain was from my sinus infection reoccurring. Who knows how long I would have gone spouting this disillusionment? When you delve this deep sometimes you need someone to shovel you out before you go cuckoo. Despite what people say, sometimes you really shouldn't listen to yourself.

Let's backtrack. My last post highlighted some personal issues amongst an awful lot of waffle. What exactly is my fear of racing? On a superficial level I could say it is crowds of people, but then I have been forced into many crowded situations and survived intact able to obtain a goal. Surely, if I am going to come up with an excuse I can manage a better one than that! And although I would be embarrassed about coming last, it is one I could live with it and one of my greatest faults is that I am very uninterested in worrying at what other people think of me. I'm usually too busy concerned with what I am thinking about myself. And this is the crux of the matter; inside of me is an egotistical maniac. It's like discovering you have been secretly possessed with a demon and avoiding any situation where it may rear it's head. A situation like a race.

A race provides the perfect conditions and breeding ground for the ego. The anticipation, drama, sacrifice, judgement, illusion, self doubt and belief. Or perhaps these are the perfect challenges to eradicate the ego. My fear is not based on racing other runners, but rather racing alongside the image I have created of myself in my mind and not winning.

So lately I have been very preoccupied with this image I have created of myself. I want to share something I read because it spoke directly to my ego and made it squirm. Uncomfortably.

“The Lower Self will feed the ego: the Higher Self has no ego. I was asked recently how one can tell what is the Lower Self and what is the Higher Self? This is not a difficult answer to give; the Lower Self creates illusion. It will have you believing the most preposterous things. It will have you believing you are not the guilty one when you are, and it will reason with you to try and get you to see its point of view. It will even argue with your Higher Self, and if you are not at a higher rate of vibration, your Higher Self will not be able to retaliate with truth.

The Lower Self never thinks of anything but itself. All it can see is its own pain, suffering, difficulty, how hard done by it is, how it is being punished and how people are hurting and creating problems for it. It can see all of the faults of others, but never its own faults! The Lower Self sees itself as perfect. It will argue with you to preserve its own truth. It can never see a positive outcome of any situation! The list is endless of what the Lower Self will do to reign supreme.

And what of the Higher Self, what does that do? It does nothing! Absolutely nothing! It does not have to justify itself. It will point out your own faults, but will never point out the faults of others. It sees the suffering one goes through and the difficulties as lessons, which one can learn from. It always has a positive outcome for every situation. It never judges, it sits quietly and lets the world pass by while it deals with issues, which need to be dealt with for its own higher good.”
- www.theego.org

It feels like an overwhelming, astronomic task attempting to exorcising this ego of mine. But for now, I just want to make sure when I am listening to myself, I am listening to the right part of myself.

To Race or Not to Race? THAT is the question.....

My Australian confinement is coming to an end this week and the back of my left knee is an unusual souvenir; a white tailed spider bite. Well, technically Incey Wincey bit me four times. I think it is karma for when I lived in the UK and secretly laughed at the people who couldn't hack visiting Australia because of all the “dangerous” animals. I lived, for the most part, in Australia for 17 years without a deadly spider, snake, jellyfish or shark incident. Ironically as a “tourist” I get the experience. The spider bite itself is not too bad, just like a particularly bad bee or wasp sting. But my left knee has become incredibly stiff and sore, at the worst extending to my hip joint. Evidently my running has come to a stand still.

I have taken this opportunity to reflect and re-evaluate. December I ran every day. January I did an hour and half of yoga everyday. February I did whatever I felt like until I became little Miss Muffet. One of the obstacles I am struggling with is my sense of achievement as a runner has different criteria to the status quo. Quite often I get asked, “How far did you run? How fast? It is how a runner asks “How are you?” At first I was embarrassed because I guess a “runner” would be able to answer these question. Now I just find it extremely irritating, because the people who are genuinely interested in my running journey know nothing is more demotivating to me than a discussion about speed, distance and pace.

There is a reason to my madness at why I have shunned the usual running paraphernalia. Quite early on I observed that people who run with this intention get all the gear (don't forget the fancy watch!) spend a good chunk of time fine tuning their ipod running play list, bore us all with updating their Facebook status with their running distances and times and then before you know it justify to everyone else why they are “too busy to run” The runner's equivalent to what Buddhists refer to as the “monkey mind”. The “real” runners who inspire me barely ever mention their running stats. Occasionally as they are gearing up to an important race they start following a training program but for the vast majority of their runs they simply run.

Simply running is not easy for a non runner. Instead of training sessions I think of my run as a gift to myself and to those I love. Instead of pace, I clearly state my sankalpha (intention) for the run. Rather than speed I focus on the state of my mind; how I feel before and after my run. I meditate on any changes that occurred while concentrating on my breath or grooving with a mantra. I aim to always finish my running practise with gratitude for whatever is important to me at the time. More relevant running statistics to me but the problem is they are not quantifiable, therefore mostly uninteresting to anyone other than myself. How does this attitude transfer into a racing environment?

In some ways I think I should race. I have this lofty idea of running a marathon one day and racing is the road of expectation. It's a bit like life where ideally there is a set pattern people expect you to follow; boy meets girl, engagement, wedding, baby. But not all lives run to this script and yet still manage a happy ending. A runner is expected to do 5km, 10km, Half Marathon, Marathon all within an allotted time frame following whatever running program is in vogue. But aren't there more ways than one to win a race? Does racing really matter? Back to my curds and whey.